Here's another desperately single tale that will warm your heart for the Holiday season. Now beware, upon reading this, you may feel emotions such as contempt, disdain, and profanation. Then there are others that may find it humorous, farcical and down right entertaining. And this is why I must blog about it. The enlightenment of others about the absurdity of dating is my main objective. Informing those less fortunate (dating-wise) than myself, is my civil and humane duty. Without further ado, I give to you the story of The Canadian Door Mat....
My boredom tends to get the better of me at times. In between my misadventures in dating land, I find myself trolling the ol' dating websites. I don't know if I am truly looking for relationships or just looking to find a conversation with someone new. In this case, it was the latter. No relationship is needed in my life right now, so I stumble upon a well spoken Canadian who seems generally interesting. No sexual innuendos what-so-ever, which was kind of nice seeing that I have no interest in that as of late. (Another story for another time.)
A few hours later, we seem to have many different subjects and ideas that we both have in common. It was refreshing. We exchange numbers and agree to text one another the following day. Which we did. It continued to be interesting and intriguing, yet still no "sexting", which was great! There wasn't any of that awkward waiting time in between texts, and wondering what the other was thinking and when they did respond you are stuck wondering if that was "really" what they were thinking and are just trying to spare the others' feelings. It's a cruel and unusual form of punishment, and I think that our government should incorporate it in their interrogation routine. Take that Osama!!!
Anywho... Both of us seemed to be going through some personal drama and it was nice to talk to someone on the sidelines who didn't have too much invested in the other side of the mess. I helped him with his issues and he helped me with mine. It was extremely nice and warm-hearted. He would try to throw some proverbial internet dating comments in, such as "I'm so glad I found you online.", "Why are you still single?", "I feel that you and I have such a wonderful connection." and "I can't wait till I finally get to meet you in person.". This is where I slapped myself and woke up. I had no intention of meeting this guy face to face. I did not want to make this into something when it certainly was nothing to begin with, nor did I want him to think that this was anything but a texting friendship.
With that realization, I would slip some random and hopefully subliminal texts to him using the words "friendship", "sweet guy", and "buddy". I used them over and over again, hoping he would get the message (HA! No pun intended!). It seemed to be working, because his responses weren't involving the subtext "I love you and I want to marry you.".
About 2 weeks of friendly texting, I receive an ungodly amount of texts too early in the morning for me. And for those of you who know me, I am late to bed and late to rise. So, I pry my eyes open to view approximately 10 texts in a row, stating that he feels horrible on how he has lied to me from the beginning. He made up a fake account on the website, a fake email address and his name was fake. (It was a stupid name to make up anyway.)
Now, because this was NOT any kind of normal relationship, in fact not even a relationship, just barely a friendship. I told him that it really didn't matter. It was just texting and nothing more. He was adamant on apologizing, and it didn't matter how much I told him I didn't care, he wanted me to call him so he could apologize correctly. I debated calling him for a few days. I felt that if I called him then he would think that "this" could have some kind of meaning behind it, which it didn't. He bugged me for a few more days after, finally I gave in.
We talked for an hour. Nothing really special about the conversation, other than continuing our previous conversations via text. It was just a nice chat with an internet buddy. So I thought...
I get another random text at 7am in the GD morning.
And I quote... "I lost the excited feeling and decided not to waste anymore time. You were much more interesting than the average girl... Super Sexy... I just don't like the Michigan accent. I know we could of continued as friends, but it's hard to shift gears from wanting to fuck you to being your friend. If you ever come across the river and want to hook up there's a possibility I might be into it... just don't speak!"
Yeah... I guess it would be hard to shift gears from that, huh? Not only did he not get my "subliminal" messaging, but hates the sound of my voice. Don't ya just hate when that happens?
So, ladies, here's the moral of the story, when talking to a guy for the first time, whether you meet him online or in the bar or in the grocery store and you feel like it's not gonna go anywhere else... Use your best "Fargo" voice, cuz that's apparently what I sound like, A? This is just one of the many excuses I have encountered in my dating life and as fake as it may sound, it's real! As I mentioned earlier, it is my job to keep you guys and gals updated on the dating debacles of a single woman, that happens to have a bad Michigan accent.
And... You're welcome!!!!
Amie a.k.a The Caped First Dater
