Well, It's quite some time since my last post... My apologies to you, but it's been quite a year! Sadly I haven't been on many dates lately. Too much on my mind, really. This next story is something that I've been feeling for a while and didn't know how to express until now. It's more on a serious note than my previous postings, so bear with me on the mood change and I will get back to the comedies of my dating life.
It's been a long journey, getting over a love; this is one of the steps for me to take in order to heal. Once I wrote it, I realized that it wasn't about just one man, it was about every relationship, every friendship, every challenge and every dream that I have had and haven't been able to hold onto. I just hope that it can help others as it has helped me. Enjoy!
It seems that each passing day is the same, if not worse, as the last; no end in sight. I was weary of smiling and faking the happiness I've grown so accustomed to portray. With every courteous but shallow, “How are you?”, my insides decayed with each. I was good at it by now. In fact, I was so good that no one even thought twice when I walked in with puffy eyes and a runny nose from my incessant sobbing every time I stepped through the door. “How are you?” Such an insensitive and obtuse question to ask someone you've just met. Beyond the common courtesies instilled in us as children, when it is asked, the questioner hardly wants an answer other than “Fine. And how are you?” I muster through, and despite the urge to wildly rant on of my woes, I give them the satisfactory “Fine, and you?” Day in and day out, I address everyone as if the whole world is going my way and I wish that my happiness can infect their lives as much as it has mine. No one needs to know the harsh truth of my despair. What good will it do, anyhow? So my life goes.
As I am in another meaningless conversation with a wayward traveler who is seemingly interested in our dialogue, out of the corner of my eye, I see him. Distraction sets in and nothing can bring my focus back. I excuse myself and begin walking in the direction of this apparition. He is walking so fast I can barely keep up. My speed seems faster than light, yet his is much faster than that. I call out his name, but not even a flinch from him slows him down. His arm is now outstretched, grasping for the closest doorknob, and in a flash he's gone through the door. Like Alice, curiosity has settled at the bottom of my insides, I follow the White Rabbit.
My hand trembles as I place it on the knob, my heart is pounding in my throat and my feet are firmly planted where they stand. I can't move. The doubtful side of my brain is telling me it's not him, my heart is crying out that it is. I've heard of “walking contradictions”, but never knew it could actually happen, until now. Fear and Courage: Gladiators fighting against each other inside me, I am unable to control the trembling now coursing through my body. I turn the doorknob, but Fear has overthrown Courage and I can't seem to push the door open. I drop my arm in defeat, turn my back to the door and walk back the way I came. I hear the hush of the crowd in the Colosseum as Courage falls to his knees in agony, as the sword is plunged into his chest. His heart pierced as mine. Tears well in my eyes. The weight of despair is once again on my shoulders. Just then, my gladiator rises with vigor as the screeching sirens of the emergency exit are released. Courage urges me to follow my wounded heart, and my heart forces me to follow him, where ever he may lead me.
I slam though the door that once barricaded me, chasing the coattails of my love. He is a mere few yards in front of me, running, as if being chased by the authorities. Everything in my body seems to be communicating with ease. My feet are telling my legs to move faster. My arms are telling my waist to dodge any innocent bystanders. My heart is screaming to all appendages, “Please God. Don't slow down.” The scent of him invaded my nostrils which gave me that extra boost of speed I needed to catch up, and yet with every stride, he still seemed miles away. It mattered not. I must finish this through. I long for him and nothing or no one can stand in my way. Onward, I sprint.
Sweat now streaming down into my eyes, temporarily blinded, I stumble across a crack in the sidewalk. I stop to gather my long lost deep breaths, and wipe the sweat from my eyes. Adrenaline is racing through my veins. I want to keep moving, in fear that I may lose him once again, but as the sleeve of my shirt sops up the salty water from my face, I see him a few feet from me. He's just standing there. Watching. Waiting. Searching for my next move, any movement of mine. I am impossibly immobile, and all I can do is smile. The very same smile that hasn't seen the light of day in what seems like an eternity. Truth can be told without saying a single word with a smile. That's what I gave him. The only thing that my completely depleted body could give him. He took that smile and gave me one in return. My heart melts. Sweat turns into tears. Running down my cheeks, I still hold that smile for him. My feet move as if separate from my body. They slowly walk toward him, and with every step, another tear falls. Time has fallen still. Cars have stopped in their tracks. People are paused in action. City sounds are muted. Step by step, the progressive space between us grows smaller. Tears are still raining from my swollen eyes. I can't stop now. Just one more step and I will be in his arms again and the world will be right once more. Inches from my grasp and the world immediately moves at normal speed. My fingertips, outstretched toward his, and just as briefly as they touch, that's how quickly he bolts away from me.
The busy street of the city continues with its' life, and I am standing motionless, watching him run from me. My legs refuse to carry me. My body is spent. My heart is broken. My gladiator, once a victor, now a quiescent and lifeless pile of nothing. In an instant, I fall to my knees in sheer pain. As I watch him sprint away in the distant, he becomes increasingly small. Through my tears, I focus on him and all that he has given to me, all that he has just taken away from me. Sobbing uncontrollably, the small shadow of him has now disappeared, and all I have are the memories of us. Fear has conquered over me. This villainous miscreant has taken over every happy memory and joyous feeling I have left. No matter how fast I run, I will never catch him. If I look for him, he can never be found. It doesn't matter how many tears I shed, he will never dry them. I am running an endless track, and no matter how long I run it, I will do nothing but run with not as much as a drop of water to quench my thirst. This is now my brutal reality I must live.
I guess, in time, I may find him again. Walking aimlessly, searching for anything that will fill this void. Of course, I have my doubts. What we once shared is impossible to recreate and my dreams of finding it are long gone along with him. This inner battle has halted my desire for his love. Tears may fall from time to time, but with each tear fallen, the weakened and defeated gladiator grows stronger. When the time is right, and the opportunity presents itself, I will win, I will defeat this villain and all of Rome will chant my name in victory.
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